top five ways to die.

1. In a Hummer, filled with gas and fireworks, attached to a helicopter, being flown into Abe Lincoln’s head on Mount Rushmore. (gun attached to arm via red, white and blue duct tape, should I not die immediately from impact or flames). “Stars and Stripes Forever “ by John Phillips Sousa is playing from the helicopter.
2. Walking under the L tracks at Madison and Wabash, after a typically shitty day of work, and having a pigeon shit on me. In a fit of anger, neglecting to yield for traffic, and being struck by a white Hummer, which is being driven by a Puerto Rican, who is blasting reggaeton on his “system.”
3. Being trampled to death at Dave Matthews concert that I accidentally attend.
4. Having Manuel Uribe Garza of Mexico, currently the fattest man in the world, sit on me.
5. Katmai National Park and Preserve, Alaska. October. Draped in fresh salmon. Attacked by pack of grizzly bears.